“Reduced, Reduced Julius Caesar”
Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare
as brought to you by Period 4 AP Literature and Composition
Class of 2016
Flauvius: Yo idle creatures aka commoners go home.
Commoners: No. We’re going to see Caesar.
Marullus: Caesar? Bruh, you think Caesar is hella great or something? A few months ago you were worshipping Pompey.
Flauvius: Go home, be ashamed of yourselves. Also, those decorations on Caesars’ statues are hella annoying; we’ll do Rome a favor and get rid of them.
Marullus: k I’ll do that.
Flauvius: k i’ll remove the peasant trash from the roads.
Caesar: “Stand in the way of the runner and touch him when he comes so you can be pregnant.”
Josh-Soothsayer: “Beware the ides of March.”
Cassius: “Join the conspiracy.”
Brutus: “Why is everybody shouting?”
Jeffrey-Casca: “Caesar refused the crown thrice then had a seizure.”
Everybody-Crowd: “Bruh thrice, thats hella humble.”
Caesar: “Caesar the og hella greatest.”
Brutus: “I’ll think about joining.”
Casca: “The weather are weird.”
Cicero: “Weird things is happening.”
Cassius: “Join the conspiracy pls
Cassius: “We need to get Brutus to join the conspiracy.”
Bro lemme tell you smth, you are 10 times better than that lame fool caesar. you more handsome you are more massive you are more smart. you all around are just a beast. and he is a house rat.
Brutus: I see a letter.
Oh! The people think I’m great. Therefore, I should kill Caesar—it’s for the good of the people.
Cassius: Let us conspire.
Brutus: Let’s be sacrificers, but not butchers…but yeah let’s kill him.
Portia: You never tell me anything, I’m confused and lonely and you’re a crappy husband because I’m not a harlot—I’m your wife. What is even up?
Calpurnia: Caesar, don’t go, there’s weird things happening and it’s bad outside. I had a dream. I think you’re gonna die.
Caesar: I am a god, and don’t heed omens, so I’m going anyway.
Decius: Don’t listen to your wife. Go anyway.
Caesar: Wives are useless. Of course I’m going.
Artemidorus: I need to give Caesar my letter, otherwise he will die.
Portia: I am worried. Has Caesar gone to the Capitol yet?
Soothsayer: I go to take my stand to see him pass on to the Capitol.
Portia: OK, cool. Ay me, how weak a thing the heart of a woman is! Tell me what happens, I’m only a woman.
Caesar: “Look, it’s fine, I’m not in danger.”
*Caesar is stabbed many times by Brutus and company”
Antony: “Yo, I’m crying. Let me speak at his funeral, pl0x.”
Antony: “I’ll get revenge later.”
Brutus: “Caesar was ambitious. Thank me later. I’m out guys.”
Crowd: “Yay thanks.”
Antony: “Caesar’s actions show he wasn’t ambitious. Brutus says he was ambitious. And Brutus is an honorable man.”
Crowd: “Yes you’re right!”
Plebian: “Get him, he’s Cinna!”
Cinna the Poet: “Yo it’s not me. I’m just a poet. 😦 ”
Plebian: “It is no matter, his name’s Cinna.”
*Crowd attacks Cinna*
These many, then, shall die. Their names are pricked.
Lepidus, your brother must die too. And your nephew as well Antony.
Wow he is so useless, but we can use him as our puppet.
He’s an honorable man, but sure.
In his own change or by ill officers. Hath given me some worthy cause to wish things done, undone. There seems to be something off about Cassius, maybe we shouldn’t have killed Caesar.
Everyone stop! Brutus, you have done something to wrong me.
What? Let’s speak in private. Guards, guard the door.
You condemned Lucius Pella without my permission and you’ve been ignoring me.
No, why would you defend him? It’s you that’s wrong. You’re greedy!
No you’re greedy!
You’re corrupt and I don’t want to be that kind of official.
Don’t provoke me. If you hate me so much then here’s my sword, kill me.
No, put your sword away. Sorry, when I spoke I was ill-tempered.
Me too, come shake my hand.
Brutus, your wife is dead.
She is dead. Let’s not talk about it.
Cicero is dead.
Let’s go to Phillipi to fight.
Brutus/Cassius: “Words before blows. Is it so countrymen?”
Octavius/Antony: You are true villains, traitors! Caesar’s wounds will be well avenged!
Brutus/Cassius: We acted with honor and best intentions for Rome, you are “worthless of such honor” Caesar
Octavius: Come now, Antony, we will fight!
Cassius: You know, Messala, I was quite doubtful of symbols like crows and mighty eagles falling, but, in the face of recent events, i fear the fate of our future. (BT dubs, its mah burfday)
Brutus: This may be the last time we speak, For ever, and for ever, Farewell Cassius!
Cassius: Farewell Brutus!
Brutus: Octavius’ troops suck, let’s quickly attack, they’ll be defeated!
Cassius: Titinius, go up to that hill and check out our camp. Are those fires our tents?
Pindarus: Oh no!! EHHHH He’s been captured Cassius!
Cassius: Titinius is dead! And it’s all my fault! Pindarus, my servant, please, take my sword and kill me. [ASIDE] “Caesar, thou art avenged” by the blade that ended thee.
Titinius: Cassius! Congratulations! They were our frien….CASSIUS!! I cannot live kills himself
Cato: He is slain, brave Titinius, bye!
Brutus: I will mourn for both of you at a later time. For now: we must continue the fight
Lucius: Young Cato, have you been killed! Aside I will be captured, I shall distract them. “…I am Brutus, Marcus Brutus, I!”
Soldier: Tell Antony we’ve captured the noble Brutus
Antony: Guys, this isn’t Brutus. Keep this prisoner safe anyway, treat him with kindness.
Brutus: ”Slaying is the word; It is a deed in fashion”. Clitus…? Dardanius…?
Clitus/Dardanius: We could never do such a thing my lord!
Brutus: The ghost of Caesar has appeared to me twice, and now I know, my time has come. Our enemies have defeated us. Voluminus, I’ve know you since I was a child, hold my sword while I run on it.
Voluminus: That’s not what friends do!
Brutus: Fly, countrymen! I shall have glory this day! You all fly, I will follow
[Exuent Cltius, Dardanius, Voluminus]
Brutus: Strato, will you please hold my sword as run on it. Caesar, now be still: I killed not thee with half so good a will.
Brutus dies, enter Antony, Octavius and company
Antony: Oh noble Brutus, he was the only conspirator that acted solely for the common good. All the world will say: “This was a man”.