Reduced, Reduced Hamlet
By Class of 2017 AP Literature
Hong Kong International School
Brenda Brayko, Instructor
Barnardo: “who’s there?”
Francisco: It’s me
Barnardo: Go home, “tis’ now struck twelve.”
Enter Horatio & Marcellus
Francisco: Barnardo’s going to take my place.
Marcellus: Did you see that thing again?
Horatio: Ghosts aren’t real.
Barnardo: Why don’t we sit and wait…
Barnardo: The ghost is here! It looks like the dead King
Horatio: Ghost. “I order you to speak.”
Marcellus: The ghost is angry, it’s leaving now.
Horatio: It looks just like the king. This isn’t good for our country. The ghost worries me. It’s like Julius Caesar 2.0
Marcellus: I tried to hit it but it left.
Horatio: I think we should go tell young Hamlet what we’ve seen tonight. Maybe the ghost will speak to him.
Marcellus: I agree
(Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, Polonius, Laertes, Ophelia, Cornelius, Voltemand, and Lords enter)
King: I’m have mixed feelings of happiness and sadness about my brother’s death and my new marriage. And Fortinbras keeps pestering me to surrender the territory that he lost. I’ve written a letter to Fortinbras’ uncle, could you two, Cornelius and Voltimand, deliver it?
Cornelius and Voltimand: Okay
King: Laertes, what do you want?
Laertes: I want to go back to France.
King: If your father agrees, then sure. Hamlet, why are you so sad?
Gertrude: You can’t always be sad, everyone dies.
Hamlet: I have a lot more grief in me than you can see.
King: “’Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet, to give these mourning duties to your father.” But it is unmanly to mourn.
Gertrude + King: Also, don’t go back to college.
Hamlet: Okay, I will stay.
(Exit all but HAMLET)
(Enter HORATIO, MARCELLUS, and BERNARDO)
Horatio: Hail your lordship
Hamlet: Horatio! You came all the way from Wittenberg…for me?
Horatio: To attend your father’s funeral
Hamlet: Oh come on, you definitely came to attend my mother’s wedding
Horatio: Oh by the way, I think I saw your father yesterday
Horatio: Two nights ago, Marcellus, Bernardo and I were guarding the castle and they saw a ghost that looks like your father. But, we were too scared to talk to him.
Marcellus and Bernardo nod in agreement with Horatio
Hamlet: Oh my gosh…I think it might be my father’s ghost. Okay I’m going to go talk to him tonight. Until now, please don’t tell anyone about my secret mission
Horatio: Of course.
Ophelia and Laertes enter
Laertes: I’m gonna head out now. You want to talk about about anything before I go?
Laertes: It’s Hamlet isn’t it? He’s not permanent, don’t worry about him. He’ll forget about you soon.
Ophelia: Why won’t he love me?
Laertes: He does love you, but he’s a prince and he may be married off because of a treaty or something. He’s got to do what’s best for the country. Just because you’re young doesn’t mean that you have to lose your self control.
Ophelia: Okay, but don’t be hypocrite.
Laertes: dw, I won’t.
Laertes: Yo, Dad’s coming so I’m gonna head out.
Polonius: You’re still here? Go already! I’m going to give you a few rules first though:
Think before you act
Be friendly but don’t overdo it
If your friends are trustworthy, keep them close
Don’t pick a fight, but if you’re in one, take them down
Listen more than you talk
Get quality clothing
Don’t borrow or lend money
Be true to yourself
K. Now go have some fun.
Laertes: See you later
Polonius: Go now
Laertes: Ttyl Ophelia, remember what I said.
Enter Hamlet, Horatio, and Marcellus
Hamlet: Where da ghost at?
Horatio: hold up
Hamlet: Oh my gorsh it’s a ghostie
Ghost does a hand motion
Marcellus: Talk to it, “Do Not Go With It”
Horatio: “No by no means.” It’s sus af.
Hamlet: I gotta follow! It’s not talkin
Exeunt Hamlet and Ghostie
Horatio: should we leave
Marcellus: nah let’s follow, pffffffffft
Hamlet: Where are you? Say something?
Ghost: Listen. I am about to return to purgatory. I’m your dad, son.
Hamlet: Poor ghost!
Ghost: Poor ghost indeed, your uncle killed me and slept with my wife.
Hamlet: woah. Incestuous jerks!
Enter Horatio and Marcellus.
Hamlet: Don’t tell anyone about this.
Horatio and Marcellus: Pinky promise.
Hamlet: I will act mad just to mess with Claudius.
Horatio and Marcellus: k lol.
Polonius: Spy on my son
Ophelia: Hamlet’s cray, what’s wrong wit him?
Polonius: He just salty cuz you left him on read. Lmao gotta’ tell Gertrude and Claudius ‘bout this.
welcome rosencrantz and guildenstern! I think Hamlet’s crazy. I honestly don’t know what it could be other than the fact his dad just died?! So…since you guys are such good friends with him I was hoping you all could help him relax, hang out and see if there’s anything going on that he’s hiding from me?
Yeah, Hamlet always talks about you guys, you’re his best friends.
“As to expend your time with us awhile
For the supply and profit of our hope,
Your visitation shall receive such thanks
As fits a king’s remembrance.”
you know if you’d just threatened to kill us, we’d have been forced to do it lol
but whatever, we’ll do it anyway
Claudius and Gertrude:
Thanks guys, we owe you one
I hope we can make him happy and do him some good!
Amen to that!
POLONIUS enters, Rosencrantz+Guildenstern leave
We’re back from Norway and…..I know whats wrong w/ Hamlet!
OMG no way! tell me NOW
SO….Ophelia showed me this creepy love letter he wrote her and it’s reallllly gross, idk if you want to hear all this stuff….
jk Ill still tell you ahah
“You may wonder if the stars are fire,
You may wonder if the sun moves across the sky.
You may wonder if the truth is a liar,
But never wonder if I love.
is it just me or is he a crappy poet lmao
So what’d she say to him?
She basically friend zoned him because I told her too lol. And then he stopped eating, sleeping and is so sad all the time. I would feel bad for him, but he’s sort of a perv.
are you sure??
Ugh why don’t you believe me?! Next time he’s here I’ll send ophelia to talk to him and we can spy on them and see what happens. If I’m wrong you have my permission to chop my head off.
Exit Gertrude and Claudius.
Polonius: I mean, what you’re reading.
Hamlet: Just some satire.
Polonius: Will you step outside for a sec?
Hamlet: Into my grave.
Polonius: Well that IS technically outside… (aside) Crazy people have such a way with words. I’ll leave him and arrange a meeting between him and my daughter. (to Hamlet) bye
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern enter
Polonius: You’re looking for Hamlet. He’s over there.
Hamlet: My friends! What’s up?
Rosencrantz: Not much, just that the world’s become honest
Hamlet: Probably because the end of the world is coming. Lemme ask you a question… what crime have you done to be sent to this prison?
Guildenstern: What prison?
Hamlet: Denmark’s a prison.
Rosencrantz: The whole world is a prison.
Hamlet: Yes but Denmark is the worst.
Enter Polonius and Player(s)
Polonius: the actors that just arrived are pretty good. They can basically play any show.
Player: Yeah, we’re decent.
Hamlet: Okay, recite something for me.
Player: (random speech)
Hamlet and Polonius: Yoooooooooooo that’s deep.
Hamlet: You guys are good. Can you play the murder of Gonzago tomorrow?
Hamlet: Oh, I’ll also write you some stuff to play if that aight.
Exit all but Hamlet
Hamlet: Is it not monstrous that this player here, but in a fiction, in a dream of passion, could force his soul so to his own conceit that he could just make all this stuff up? Seriously, all this crap actually happened to me and I have to suffer and my life is terrible and why is everything so bad and what’s wrong with me—wait a second. If the play I give the players is a simulation of brother murdering his brother, the King, and Claudius watches the play, it might freak him out. Damn, Hamlet, you’re smart.
Enter King, Guildenstern, Polonius
King: Is Hamlet crazy?
Guildenstern: IDK mayn
King: Let’s spy on Hamlet
Exeunt King, Guildenstern, Polonius
Enter Hamlet and Ophelia, King, Polonius
Hamlet: “To be or not To be”, oh shoot, someone’s here
Ophelia: Hey babe, I love you.
Hamlet: I love you too. JK. Get thee to a nunnery.
Exeunt Hamlet, Ophelia, Polonius
Enter King and Polonius
King: Hamlet needs to Brexit.
Polonius: Ok, guy, but let me stalk him first.
Hamlet: You have a play coming up, this is how to act. *acting hand movements*
First Player: kthxbye
Enter Polonius, Guildenstern, and Rosencrantz
Polonius: I hope ppl watch the show.
Hamlet: Yo, Horatio, sup. I’m excited for the play tonight, added a nice little scene similar to my father’s death. Let’s see if the King has a bad reaction.
Hamlet: btdubs i’m gonna be craycray.
(Enter King Claudius, Queen Gertrude, Ophelia, Lord Polonius)
King: How are you,Hamlet?
Hamlet: I eat chameleons.
Hamlet: Hi, Polonius, weren’t you in a play once.
Polonius: Yep, I played Julius Caesar. I died.
(play is going on)
Ophelia: What’s going on here? What’s this show about?
Hamlet: idek but there’s lots of swords. Do u wanna see my sword?
Ophelia: ew no.
Player 1: I just killed the king. Also, he’s my brother. Now im gonna get with his wife.
Claudius stands up to leave
Claudius: Turn on the lights, get me THE HELLLL outta here.
Hamlet: (to Horatio) Lmao Horatio look how guilty he is I bet I was right about the ghost.
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Guildenstern: Lord Hamlet, your uncle and your mom are pretty mad and they wanna talk to u.
Hamlet: Lol why
Guildenstern: They don’t like your behavior. Why are u acting so weird? Tell me what’s wrong with u bro.
Enter players with recorders
Hamlet: Play the recorder
Guildenstern: I legit can’t
Hamlet: But you keep playing me, so why can’t you play the recorder. I’m not gonna be played. I’m no fool.
Polonius: Your mom wants to talk to you asap
Hamlet: I’ll go but first leave me alone for a sec .
Exeunt all but Hamlet
Hamlet: I’m gonna be straight with mom. “I will speak daggers to her, but use none.” Like I’ll send her texts that are just like “k.”
Claudius: Hamlet is acting weird. We need to send him to England. “I pray you, to this speedy voyage.”
Polonius: I’ll spy on Hamlet and Gertrude later from behind the curtains.
Claudius: I killed King Hamlet, my brother. I feel bad but not that bad. I’ll pray. I know I’m wrong, but can God forgive me?
Hamlet: I’ll kill him now, he’s a sitting duck. But if he dies while he’s praying, then he’ll go to Heaven. I’ll just kill him another time when he’s being bad. “And that his soul may be as damned and black as hell.”
Claudius: I wanna be good, but I ain’t. My prayers weren’t sincere. “My words fly up, my thoughts remain below.”
Polonius: His pranks are going too far. Tell him to stop.
Queen Gertrude: Hide, Polonius. Hamlet’s coming.
Hamlet: Sup, mum?
Queen Gertrude: You’ve been rude to your dad.
Hamlet: You’ve been rude to my REAL dad. I’m sick of everything. You’re trash, mom, I’m triggered.
Queen Gertrude: Are you gonna kill me?
Hamlet stabs the curtain and Polonius
Polonius: I’ve been stabbed.
Hamlet: Oh whoops. Was that Claudius?
Queen Gertrude: Oh no! What have you done?!
Hamlet: This is just as bad as killing the king and marrying his bro.
Queen Gertrude: Killing the king?!
(lifts up curtain)
Hamlet: Oh whoops. Wrong guy.
Queen Gertrude: How could you?!
Hamlet: Oh don’t be a hypocrite. You didn’t even take your marriage vows seriously. You said you loved my father but then you married his brother right after dad’s death. This isn’t love. You’ll get what you deserve on judgement day.
Queen Gertrude: Stop.
Hamlet: You’re corrupt.
Queen Gertrude: Please stop. You’re my son.
Hamlet: You’re a murderous villain.
Hamlet: It’s the angel! Save me!
Queen Gertrude: You’re mad.
Ghost: Hamlet stop messing around, I asked you to kill the king, remember? Hurry up and speak to your mother.
Hamlet: Okay. How are you mother?
Queen Gertrude: I’m fine. How are you? Why are you talking to the air? What are you looking at?
Hamlet: It’s dad, can’t you see?
Queen Gertrude: Hamlet, you are actually crazy. Stop joking around. It’s not funny.
Hamlet: I’m not joking. He’s actually here. You need to confess your sins.
Queen Gertrude: Why are you making all these assumptions?
Hamlet: It’s not too late to repent. Leave Claudius and live a purer life. (Points to Polonius) I’ve repented for my sins but I did what I had to do. Heaven commanded me. I have to be mean to some people to be kind to others.
Queen Gertrude: What should I do?
Hamlet: Stay away from Claudius.
Queen Gertrude: Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone about this.
Hamlet: Whatever. I’m leaving to England.
Queen Gertrude: Right. I forgot.
Hamlet: Okay I have to go. See you soon.
Claudius, Gertrude, Rosencrantz, Gildenstern enters
Claudius: What’s wrong? Where’s Hamlet?
Gertrude: He’s crazy. He killed Polonius.
Claudius: Shit, that could have been me. What should we do? Where’s Hamlet?
Gertrude: He went to get rid of Polonius’s body. Even though he’s crazy, “He weeps for what he has done.”
Claudius: Let’s send Hamlet to England ASAP. I’ll try to get him off the hook for this murder. Hey Guildenstern!
Rosencrantz and Gulldenstern enter.
Claudius: Go find Hamlet, and get Polonius’s body.
Rosencrantz and Gulldenstern exit.
Claudius: Let’s go tell our friends about our plans. “My soul is full of discord and dismay.”
[Scene 2. The castle.]
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN enter with others.
Rosencrantz. Whatchu do with tha corpse?
Hamlet. Don’t worry. It’s safely hidden.
Rosencrantz. But where doe? #confused
Hamlet. I ain’t tellin’ yo ass,
Rosencrantz.You know, you should really take it to the chapel.
Hamlet.No, you #sponge!
Rosencrantz.Whatchu talkin bout Hamlet?
Hamlet.I’m talkin about how you a kiss ass.
Rosencrantz. Sooo…..you gonna tell us where the body is?
Hamlet. Nah lmao. Ima go to the king. (Within) Claudius ya boy’s comin’ for ya!
Claudius: We can’t throw Hamlet in jail because the people love him. Let’s just send him to England.
Claudius: Hamlet, where’s Polonius?
Hamlet: “Not where he eats, but where he is eaten. A certain convocation of politic worms are e’en at him.” A king is no better than a beggar.
Claudius: No, but actually where is he?
Hamlet: “He’s In heaven. Send hither to see.”
Claudius: Hamlet, you have to go to England for your own good.
Hamlet: Cool. Good. Cya
Claudius: If the English king has learned from the past, he should respect my request and kill Hamlet.
Fortinbras and his army enter
Fortinbras: Yo! Ask the King for an escort so we can go through Denmark. Then, tell him that if he needs anything, we got it.
Everyone but the Captain leaves
Hamlet, Rosencrantz and others enter
Hamlet: Whose troops are these? What are they doing here?
Captain: They’re on their way to invade part of Poland, commanded by Fortinbras.
Hamlet: What are they fighting for?
Captain: They’re going to fight for some land that isn’t worth anything.
Hamlet: Why, then the Polack never will defend it.
Captain: No, they’ve already stationed troops.
Hamlet: What a waste of money, thanks for the info.
The Captain Exits
Rosencrantz: Will you come with us?
Hamlet: I’ll be there in a minute. Go ahead.
Everyone except Hamlet exits
Hamlet: Everything I see shows me how wrong I am and tells me to hurry up with my revenge. Why haven’t I killed the king yet? I have the motivation, the willpower, the ability, and the means to do it. To be truly great doesn’t mean you’d only fight for a good reason. It means you’d fight over nothing if your honor was at stake. So where does that leave me? My dad is dead, my mom sleeps with my uncle, and i’m doing nothing. From now on, if my thoughts aren’t violent I’ll consider them worthless.
Enter Horatio, Queen, and Rando
Rando: Speak To Ophelia
Queen: I don’t wanna
Rando: You gotta
Ophelia: LOOOOOOOL XD XD RANDUM
King: Sup Ophelia
Ophelia: GUD FAM YOLO
Ophelia (rapping): UH UH WHAT WHAT THIS IS MY HIT SINGLE SAINT CHARITY
King: Wow she cray
Messenger: I am a messenger
Messenger (reads): Laertes is coming with some randos
Enter Laertes with Randos
King: “The doors are broke”
Laertes: Where’s my dad?
Queen: He’s dead
Laertes: How he die?
OPHELIA: GIT GUD SCRUB!
Laertes: What’s happening?
Ophelia: RAP WITH ME
Ophelia (rapping): uh uh, bars!
Sees sailors at his room
Horatio: Who are these people that want to talk to me?
Motions the sailors to enter
Horatio: I do not know from what part of the world I should be greeted, if not from Lord Hamlet.
Sailor: God bless you. Also, Hamlet sent you this letter, if you are Horatio.
Horatio reads to the letter
Horatio: “Allow these men through, they have letters for the King. I’ve been captured after a pirate ship attacked our ship and now I’m held as a prisoner. Although they’ve treated me quite, well since I’ve had access to wifi since my capture. Please come and get me as soon as possible so I can live! I have so much gossip to tell you. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are on the way to England and I have so much on them.Your dear friend, Hamlet.
Horatio (to the sailors): Okay, I’ll let you deliver the letters. Do it quickly, because I want you to bring me to the sender of these letters.
(King and Laertes enter)
King: I’m innocent, Hamlet was trying to kill me too!
Laertes: I see. Why didn’t you do something as sooner, especially if you were in danger?
King: Since both Queen Gertrude and the public love Hamlet.
Laertes: Now my father is dead and my sister is insane. I will get my revenge.
King: You’ll see what I have planned soon enough…
(A messenger arrives with letters)
Messenger: I have letters from Hamlet.
King: Alright, let’s read them.
(The messenger exits)
I’m coming back quickly to your kingdom. Tomorrow I’ll return and apologize and tell you why I came back to Denmark so quickly after leaving.
King: What does this mean? Are they all coming back? Or is he lying?
Laertes: Not sure, but let him come back, and then I can tell him “You did this!”.
King: Okay. I understand why you would want him to come back. Will you let me advise you?
King: No, I won’t force you to make peace with him. If he doesn’t plan to leave Denmark, I have a plan that will surely kill him. When he dies, everyone will think it was an accident.
Laertes: I will cooperate if I am the one that causes Hamlet’s death.
King: That sounds fine. People have been talking, in front of Hamlet, about your special gift. Hamlet is quite jealous.
Laertes: What is this gift?
King: A skill you may not realize is important. I fought a man from Normandy who was very skilled, and even he praised your fencing ability.
Laertes: Get to the point.
King: Did you love your father?
King: What proof can you give me that you loved him?
Laertes: I’ll kill Hamlet in a church.
King: Ehh, how about this? You will stay in your room, and we’ll find a way to get Hamlet to agree to a fencing match with you. Then, you can use a sharpened sword and avenge your father.
Laertes: I’ll put some poison on the tip of my sword too.
King: Good. We will need a backup plan as well – let’s poison Hamlet’s drink too. Wait, what’s that sound?
(Queen Gertrude enters)
Gertrude: Laertes, your sister has drowned?
Laertes: Drowned? Where?
Gertrude: There’s a willow tree dangling over the brook. Ophelia tried to climb up the tree to hang some wreaths onto the branches, but fell into the water. It was only a matter of time before she sank to the bottom.
Laertes: Oh no, poor Ophelia! I can’t stop crying, it’s part of human nature!
King: Gertrude, let’s follow him. I worked so hard to calm his rage, and now it might start again.
(Enter 2 gravediggers)
Gravedigger 1: Are you sure Ophelia can be buried here?
Gravedigger 2: Idk. They said she drowned herself.
Gravedigger 1: Oh lmao (starts singing)
Hamlet: Y tho. Also “whose grave’s this, sirrah?”
Gravedigger: Mine. (keeps singing)
Hamlet: Whose skull is that tho?
Hamlet: luh him 😦 Death is death. Even homies like Julius Caesar be dyin
Exti grave diggers.
Enter Claudius, Gertrude, Laertes, Ophelia’s body
(At the funeral)
Hamlet: Is that Ophelia??
(Hamlet jumps into the grave)
Laertes: What the… “The devil take thy soul!”
(Laertes jumps into the grave too)
Claudius: Stop fighting pls. Hamlet’s crazy.
Hamlet: Why are you like this.
(Everyone peaces out) *dab*
Enter Hamlet and Horatio
Hamlet: I rekt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern dude. They gon’ die.
Enter Laertes, King, Queen
Laertes: Fight me
Hamlet: OK, give me a blunt foil
Hamlet and Laertes fight.
Gertrude takes cup and lifts it to drink.
Claudius: Don’t drink that
Gertrude: Ima drink that
Laertes cuts Hamlet. They drop swords in a scuffle. Hamlet picks up Laertes’ sword and cuts him.
Laertes: My blade is poisoned
Hamlet: “The point envenomed too? Then, venom, to thy work.”
Hamlet kills King
*dying* Hamlet: Horatio; Fortinbras is a lad
Fortinbras: Wassap suckas