Reduced Merchant of Venice: Act IV Scene I, II; Act V Scene I

Act 4 Scene 1

 

Duke: You ready?

 

Antonio: Yah

 

Duke: Soz man, this sux. Shylock be cray. Like I feel.

 

Antonio: It’s okay man, you did everything you could to get this case dismissed

 

Duke: Send that cray guy in

 

Salerio: k

 

Enter Shylock

 

Duke: lol u probs just tryna start some drama. You aren’t actually gonna take no pound of flesh from the fam r u?

 

Shylock: Think I’m playing? You think I’m playing? Think this is a game? I’m dead serious. Imma cut all his shiz off. That pound is mine. This ain’t no game, this be the law. You stop me and you’ll be committing some srs breach of judge impartiality up in this house. U better know ur role and uphold that due process and shiz bruv.

 

Bassanio: What you talking about.

 

Shylock: You know what.

 

Bassanio: Oh dang, look at all dis phat cash I found. I can’t carry all this home, maybe you should have some, ya know what I’m saying?

 

Shylock: Nah imma cut him.

 

Salerio: Oh hey, Padua hollered back

 

Duke: k good, we bout to have some drama up in this courtroom drama

 

Enter Nerissa

 

Duke: Yo

 

Nerissa: Yo, here’s a letter from Bellario

 

Shylock: yassssssss

 

Gratiano: ur gross

 

Shylock: ur gross

 

Duke: Yo listen

*Reads

Yo. This be Bellario. I’m sick fam, so here’s Balthasar.

 

Enter Portia

 

Duke: You Balthasar?

 

Portia: Yup

 

Duke: Cool

 

Portia: Antonio, you guilty?

 

Antonio: yah

 

Portia: Shylock bruv show a brotha some love

 

Shylock: lolwhy

 

Portia: Cuz mercy is a blessing to both those who provide and those who receive it and all that.

 

Shylock: that’s whack and u know it

 

Portia; k fine cut that shiz.

 

Shylock: yasssssss

 

*Shylock tries to cut Antonio

 

Portia: LOL NOPE

 

Shylock: W0T

 

Portia: He can’t bleed.

 

Gratiano: BAM

 

Shylock; r u srs

 

Portia: gotchu dead to rights fam

 

Shylock: fine just give me the money

 

Portia: nope, either get that flesh bloodless or u get nothing

 

Shylock: Fine I drop the case.

 

Portia: nope, you already tried to kill him so you’s a criminal.

 

Shylock: r u srs

 

Portia; gotchu dead to rights fam. You gon lose ur property. U better beg, boi

 

Duke: it’s fine imma just take a lil

 

Shylock: dude I have nothing just kill me pls

 

Antonio: Imma show you some love if you convert

 

Shylock: omg fine

 

Gratiano: Yo come over

 

Portia: nah I’m g

 

Duke: yo Antonio, u better show that lawyer some love

 

Bassanio: Hey thx bruv, u want dis phat cash?

 

Portia: nah I’m g

 

Bassanio: yo come on

 

Portia: Fine gimme ur ring

 

Bassanio: omg no

 

Portia: GIMME

 

Bassanio: NO MY WIFEY GAVE IT TO ME

 

Portia; wow u suck Imma go

 

Antonio: yo she passive, just give her dat ring

 

Bassanio: ugh fine

 

Scene 2

 

Portia: yo make sure Shylock follows through. If he flakes Imma be super pissed

 

Enter Gratiano

 

Gratiano: Yo take this ring

 

Portia: thx

 

Gratiano: np

 

Nerissa: Hey yo lemme see if I can get my husband’s ring too for the lulz

 

Portia: lol yassss Nerissa

 

Act 5 Scene 1

 

Lorenzo: omg we’re like couple goals

 

Jessica: luv u

 

Lorenzo: Like we Greek classic level couple goals

 

Jessica: yo someone be creeping

 

Enter Stephano

 

Lorenzo: Yo why u gotta thirdwheel who r u

 

Stephano: I am a friend

 

Lorenzo: who?

 

Stephano: Stephano.

 

Lorenzo: Sup Stephano.

 

Stephano: Sup, Portia’s coming back

 

Lorenzo: Who else?

 

Stephano: No one else who matters

 

Lorenzo: k. Yo Jess, let’s go show her dat Greek couple goals hospitality and shiz

 

Enter Lancelet

 

Lancelet: SOLA SOLA SOLA SOLA SOLA SOLA

 

Lorenzo: w0t

 

Lancelet: SOLA SOLA SOLA SOLA SOLA SOLA

 

Lorenzo: WHAT

 

Lancelet: Bassanio’s coming back

 

Lancelet exits

 

Lorenzo: Stephano go get musicians

 

Stephano exits

 

Lorenzo: We need some chill vibes. Lemme check my Spotify

 

Enter Stephano and musicians

 

Lorenzo: if u don’t like music, u cold. Like u twisted.

 

Enter Portia and Nerissa

 

Portia: What dat

 

Nerissa: dat some good music

 

Music stops

 

Nerissa: aw

 

Lorenzo: sup

 

Portia: Have our husbands returned?

 

Lorenzo: Nope. They coming tho dw

 

Portia: Yo no one can know I was gone

 

Trumpet sound

 

Lorenzo: Yo ur husband’s here

 

Enter Bassanio, Antonio, Gratiano, and their followers

 

Bassanio: We should hold day with the Antipodes if you would walk in the absence of the sun.

 

Portia: yah hi.

 

Gratiano: hi

 

Nerissa: WHERE IS THE RING

 

Gratiano: it gone

 

Nerissa: WHY

 

Gratiano: Cuz I had to write dat lawyer a phat check, ya know what I’m saying

 

Nerissa: I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed

 

Portia: Lol my husband wouldn’t pull that shiz

 

Gratiano: LOL U HAVE NO IDEA

 

Portia: Wait r u srs

 

Gratiano: YUP UR RING BE GONE

 

Portia: omg Bassiano u cold. R u actually srs

 

Bassanio: dude u don’t understand man I had to show I was grateful ya know

 

Portia: U lie, u obv gave it to some ratchet ho. Well you know what, Imma find some ratchet ass dude too

 

Antonio: Yo how bout u guys just like take my soul if those two screw up again

 

Portia and Nerissa: LOL SIKE

 

Gives rings

 

Bassanio: What is happening

 

Portia: O we slept with a bunch of dudes

 

Gratiano: r u srs

 

Portia: lol jokes I was the lawyer in Venice, and Nerissa was dat clerk

 

Antonio, Gratiano, and Bassanio: :OOOOOOOOO

 

 

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