Reduced Merchant of Venice: Act IV Scene I, II; Act V Scene I

Act 4 Scene 1


Duke: You ready?


Antonio: Yah


Duke: Soz man, this sux. Shylock be cray. Like I feel.


Antonio: It’s okay man, you did everything you could to get this case dismissed


Duke: Send that cray guy in


Salerio: k


Enter Shylock


Duke: lol u probs just tryna start some drama. You aren’t actually gonna take no pound of flesh from the fam r u?


Shylock: Think I’m playing? You think I’m playing? Think this is a game? I’m dead serious. Imma cut all his shiz off. That pound is mine. This ain’t no game, this be the law. You stop me and you’ll be committing some srs breach of judge impartiality up in this house. U better know ur role and uphold that due process and shiz bruv.


Bassanio: What you talking about.


Shylock: You know what.


Bassanio: Oh dang, look at all dis phat cash I found. I can’t carry all this home, maybe you should have some, ya know what I’m saying?


Shylock: Nah imma cut him.


Salerio: Oh hey, Padua hollered back


Duke: k good, we bout to have some drama up in this courtroom drama


Enter Nerissa


Duke: Yo


Nerissa: Yo, here’s a letter from Bellario


Shylock: yassssssss


Gratiano: ur gross


Shylock: ur gross


Duke: Yo listen


Yo. This be Bellario. I’m sick fam, so here’s Balthasar.


Enter Portia


Duke: You Balthasar?


Portia: Yup


Duke: Cool


Portia: Antonio, you guilty?


Antonio: yah


Portia: Shylock bruv show a brotha some love


Shylock: lolwhy


Portia: Cuz mercy is a blessing to both those who provide and those who receive it and all that.


Shylock: that’s whack and u know it


Portia; k fine cut that shiz.


Shylock: yasssssss


*Shylock tries to cut Antonio


Portia: LOL NOPE


Shylock: W0T


Portia: He can’t bleed.


Gratiano: BAM


Shylock; r u srs


Portia: gotchu dead to rights fam


Shylock: fine just give me the money


Portia: nope, either get that flesh bloodless or u get nothing


Shylock: Fine I drop the case.


Portia: nope, you already tried to kill him so you’s a criminal.


Shylock: r u srs


Portia; gotchu dead to rights fam. You gon lose ur property. U better beg, boi


Duke: it’s fine imma just take a lil


Shylock: dude I have nothing just kill me pls


Antonio: Imma show you some love if you convert


Shylock: omg fine


Gratiano: Yo come over


Portia: nah I’m g


Duke: yo Antonio, u better show that lawyer some love


Bassanio: Hey thx bruv, u want dis phat cash?


Portia: nah I’m g


Bassanio: yo come on


Portia: Fine gimme ur ring


Bassanio: omg no


Portia: GIMME




Portia; wow u suck Imma go


Antonio: yo she passive, just give her dat ring


Bassanio: ugh fine


Scene 2


Portia: yo make sure Shylock follows through. If he flakes Imma be super pissed


Enter Gratiano


Gratiano: Yo take this ring


Portia: thx


Gratiano: np


Nerissa: Hey yo lemme see if I can get my husband’s ring too for the lulz


Portia: lol yassss Nerissa


Act 5 Scene 1


Lorenzo: omg we’re like couple goals


Jessica: luv u


Lorenzo: Like we Greek classic level couple goals


Jessica: yo someone be creeping


Enter Stephano


Lorenzo: Yo why u gotta thirdwheel who r u


Stephano: I am a friend


Lorenzo: who?


Stephano: Stephano.


Lorenzo: Sup Stephano.


Stephano: Sup, Portia’s coming back


Lorenzo: Who else?


Stephano: No one else who matters


Lorenzo: k. Yo Jess, let’s go show her dat Greek couple goals hospitality and shiz


Enter Lancelet




Lorenzo: w0t




Lorenzo: WHAT


Lancelet: Bassanio’s coming back


Lancelet exits


Lorenzo: Stephano go get musicians


Stephano exits


Lorenzo: We need some chill vibes. Lemme check my Spotify


Enter Stephano and musicians


Lorenzo: if u don’t like music, u cold. Like u twisted.


Enter Portia and Nerissa


Portia: What dat


Nerissa: dat some good music


Music stops


Nerissa: aw


Lorenzo: sup


Portia: Have our husbands returned?


Lorenzo: Nope. They coming tho dw


Portia: Yo no one can know I was gone


Trumpet sound


Lorenzo: Yo ur husband’s here


Enter Bassanio, Antonio, Gratiano, and their followers


Bassanio: We should hold day with the Antipodes if you would walk in the absence of the sun.


Portia: yah hi.


Gratiano: hi




Gratiano: it gone


Nerissa: WHY


Gratiano: Cuz I had to write dat lawyer a phat check, ya know what I’m saying


Nerissa: I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed


Portia: Lol my husband wouldn’t pull that shiz




Portia: Wait r u srs




Portia: omg Bassiano u cold. R u actually srs


Bassanio: dude u don’t understand man I had to show I was grateful ya know


Portia: U lie, u obv gave it to some ratchet ho. Well you know what, Imma find some ratchet ass dude too


Antonio: Yo how bout u guys just like take my soul if those two screw up again


Portia and Nerissa: LOL SIKE


Gives rings


Bassanio: What is happening


Portia: O we slept with a bunch of dudes


Gratiano: r u srs


Portia: lol jokes I was the lawyer in Venice, and Nerissa was dat clerk


Antonio, Gratiano, and Bassanio: :OOOOOOOOO




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